by William Strixrud PhD and Ned Johnson
I read the Self-Driven Child from cover to cover and back again. Below is my summary of the book. Interested but don't have time to read it? Read the summary, get the main points, and decided if you need to read the whole thing.
Main Idea: Give Kids Control Over the Things You Can
Having control in your life can be an antidote to stress. This is true with kids.
Help your child feel control over their lives by consulting them on choices.
It is impossible to make your kids do something they are dead set against.
You can try to explain why something is important and give them the freedom to complete it.
Let your kids know that you are there to help - offer help, do not force help.
Main Idea: Your Call - having Control Will Help Kids Find Their Inner Drive
3 precepts to support your kid as the decision maker.
You are the expert on you
You have a brain in your head to think this through
You want your life to work
The brain develops how it is used. Have your kids use it to make decisions while they are still at home. They will gain experience making decisions and being responsible for the consequence
Main Idea: Enjoying Your Kids a Top Priority
Do not let your anxiety stress out your children.
A parent's stress is contagious. When you have less stress your kids do too.
You are better equipped to influence your kids when they feel respect and are emotionally close to you.
Main Idea: Kids Need to Learn What is Important to Them
Children identify with the values and goals of the people who care for them and love them unconditionally.
Parents model values. Your value system helps them build their value system.
Parents model self-acceptance and self compassion.
Parents model hard work and what is worth working for.
Main Idea: Down Time - REST!
Sleep is Critical - Sleep Heals - It cannot be said enough.
Rest allows the brain to process the experiences it has had.
Daydreaming allows us to have “aha” moments.
We make connections to things in our lives.
It is important for kids to learn to be comfortable with doing nothing and not having stimuli.
Exercise is part of this too.
Main Idea: to Set Goals
Writing down goals (in your handwriting) is very powerful
Have your kids think about what they want. Explore what they need to accomplish it, and look for inner obstacles. Then write down the goal and how to get it.
Coming up with a plan B as a different route to success can help kids put things into perspective.
You also model this! You should do the same thing with your kids!!
Main Idea: Drive! How to Help Kids Find It
The right mindset is important: A growth mindset
Kids need to believe it is in their power and control to get better at something
Autonomy - Support their sense of control and explain the importance of a task - but allow personal freedom to carry it out
Competence - The feeling we can do something. As parents our job is to support their developing competence
Relatedness - Being connected to the person assigning the task will help kids feel the desire to complete the task
When kids are learning and being successful and feel supported their brains will spark good feelings (aka produce dopamine) and time will pass quickly because they feel engaged and successful (aka have flow)
All of this is needed for inner drive!
What I thought
I have a middle schooler and a high schooler. I stress about their grades and their future and college and the list goes on. I stress about things my kids have not even thought about.
This book really helped me put things into perspective. It has helped me improve my relationship with my children. I no longer sit and force them to do their school work but tell them I am here if they need me. I am working on teaching them the consequence for their actions when they do not do their homework. I am modeling goal setting and showing them what I am doing rather than just keeping it to myself. This is a great book that motivated me to change how I have done things with my kids!
Comments