10 Ways to Connect with Your Teenage Daughter

Inspired by the book Underestimated by Chelsey Goodan

Because our girls are wise, powerful, and totally worth showing up for.

Hey mama, If you’ve ever felt like your teenage daughter is pulling away, or you're not sure how to support her big feelings without trying to fix everything. You're not alone! I just finished reading Underestimated: The Wisdom and Power of Teenage Girls by Chelsey Goodan, and wow... this book cracked me open in the best way.

These are 10 gentle but game-changing shifts you can try. Start wherever you are. Add what feels right. Each step is about helping our girls feel seen, safe, and strong.

1. Be the Trusted Person, Not the Fixer

Teen girls don’t want us to solve their problems. They want us to hear them. Try saying, “That’s really hard. I’m sorry you're going through that. It makes sense you feel that way.” It sounds simple, but it builds emotional safety: and that is everything.

2. Ask Before You Advise

Instead of diving into “mom mode,” try asking: “Do you want my thoughts on this, or do you just want me to listen?” That little question respects her autonomy and opens the door for deeper conversations.

3. Let Her Feel It All

When girls are told they’re “too emotional,” they start suppressing all their feelings all feelings including joy and hope. Let her cry. Let her rage. Sit beside her in the storm. She’ll trust herself more when you show her that all her emotions are welcome.

4. Give Her Room to Choose

The more we let our girls make choices, the more they learn self-trust and self-respect. Even if it’s hard, let her lead when ever you can. LOVE = Let Others Voluntarily Evolve.

5. Talk Openly About Bodies, Sex, and Shame-Free Selfhood

Our daughters need honest, warm conversations about their bodies and sex that aren’t laced with fear or shame. They’re looking for connection, not control. They need conversation about sex to be like sitting around a campfire: real, relaxed, and loving.

6. Normalize the Gray Zone

When we expect perfection, we feed anxiety. But when we accept her in the in-between, when things are messy, uncertain, and “fine-ish”; we give her permission to be real. The magic happens in the gray area.

7. Use Compliments That Really See Her

Tell her what you admire about her character, her courage, her weird little quirks. “I love how you stand up for your friends.” “I admire how curious you are.” Seeing her clearly builds her up in the deepest way.

8. Radical Honesty > "I'm Fine"

Help her name her truth, even when it’s messy or hard. The phrase “I’m fine” is often code for “I don’t feel safe saying what I’m really going through.” But when we model honesty, we give her permission to be real.

9. Apologize When You Mess Up

Yup, even (especially) when we get it wrong. “I’m sorry for not listening. I didn’t mean to shut you down.” Amends build emotional trust and teach her how healthy adults behave in relationships.

10. Protect Her Sparkle

Every girl has a “sparkle”: her essence, her weirdness, her wisdom. Help her find it, nurture it, and hold onto it. Don’t dull it with pressure to please or perform. That sparkle is her superpower.

Should you read this book?

Yes. A thousand times yes. Underestimated is one of those books that changes the way you see teenage girls and maybe even yourself. It’s not a rulebook; it’s a revelation. You'll walk away with a deeper understanding, actionable tools, and most importantly a renewed sense of hope.

Because our girls aren’t broken. They’re brilliant. They just need us to show up and see them.